even though we broke up in May, i still looked at their social media every now and then months after. every time i did that, the back of my head whispers: ‘don’t do that! we gotta break the thought and behavioral pattern and break free from them!’ i couldn’t do it at first, but since last month i was able to completely ignore the urge of checking their social media profiles. HOWEVER… i had a weird dream about them last week and i just gotta look today!
the reason i kept checking on their profile was to see how miserable their life is now without me. i’m also checking if the relationship between them and the person they were seeing behind my back are finally publicly together (and surprisingly they’re not, therefore i’m guessing there’s probably another person that they’re playing with behind THAT PERSON’s back)! and i also been checking if their ‘online career’ has been failing miserably (and there’s 0 breakthrough in what they’re doing and i’m very happy about that).
in the old days whenever i checked on their profile i’d experience high anxiety. this time, my heart didn’t race. i felt immense peace (not from them, but rather, it was my heart that remained calm, unshaken and unaffected by them). that’s a good sign of me completely gotten over them. there’s no hate, no resentment, no nostalgia, no pity, no nothing! then as i scrolled up to one of their cringiest insta short videos i cried. it was so cringy and so gross that i couldn’t look them in the eye.. the reason i cried wasn’t because i missed them or i held grudges against them.. i cried because i felt sorry for allowing myself to ever ‘fell in love’ with someone that never really loved me back; i cried because i felt sorry for allowing myself to be played by someone so toxic, so manipulative, so selfish, yet, at the same time, so pathetic; i cried because it’s obvious that i deserved better, but i settled for a toxic relationship because i didn’t love or respect myself enough to begin with. i felt sorry for myself because i thought sympathy was love and i sacrificed my best youthful years with them instead of striving for what i really wanted (a dream partner, a real soulmate) in life.
i’ve also became so sure that sympathy isn’t love. this person is extremely manipulative and once they noticed my kind/empathetic heart, they started taking advantage of it immediately. they constantly showed me pics of their swelled up leg due to bad circulation, DUE TO SITTING ALL DAY PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL DAY EVERYDAY, and i ‘fell in love’ (it was never my choice, i never had sexual attractions towards them. it was always just sympathy! apparently they had attractions towards me coz i’m hot. they kept asking for my pics just so they can look at them when they feel lonely at home). i felt sorry for them coz i thought they would never be able to go to work again (wrong, a lotta people with worse health conditions still go to work! it was their lazy axx’s excuse for not going out there to create value and be a better version of themselves), and that they would never be able to attract anyone to love them anymore, due to the pain in their leg, therefore i will be the strong person for them, i will be taking on the responsibility to look after them and offer them a lifetime of perfect love, support (financially and emotionally) and happiness. i tried harder to be nice to them after i found out they were seeing someone else behind my back.. i was manipulated into blaming myself for having ‘done a lotta bad things’.. i completely threw my own sense of happiness down the drain! i even bought them a Nintendo Switch console just to find out later on that they been playing it and chatting romantically with that person they been seeing behind my back, behind my back! how very sad. i would be super mad before i left them, but now i just kinda giggle it off! that old stupid me no longer exists! through this difficult experience i’ve grown super mature, patient, compassionate, and most importantly, i’m smarter and i love myself more!
now looking back, it’s not even accurate to call them ‘my ex’, coz they never loved me back. and my ‘love’ towards them was all sympathy-based. there was never normal romance between us. so mentally i’m still virgin. what was super sad was that i wasn’t even physically allowed to be present at their house — their reason was that it was inconvenient coz they lived with their parents! but later on i found out that their parents knew and acknowledge the person they been seeing behind my back! that other person went to their house all the time while they never knew that i existed! like, omg, how stupid was i! but i really learned A LOT!!! and i’m such a strong person coz even having gone through all that, i still decided to open my heart to the perfect soulmate i’ve attracted into my life, and i am still courageous enough to share my unconditional love with humans! nowadays my heart is healed and what replaced all the hurt, humiliation, pity, pain etc is gratitude. my heart is filled with true love and gratitude towards the person i consciously chose to be in my life with 💖 and everything feels right with this person. you would know the difference when you’re with a person who truly loves you back! who respects who you are, and supports your dreams. when you’re with your true love you really know! it’s very healing 💖
being consciously aware that i used to hook up with someone like THAT and even got MANIPULATED by them for YEARS snapped me out of ALL FORMS OF SELF PITY!!! — i woke up realizing that i’ve GOT TO love myself more! i’ve GOT TO work on myself in order to attract the soulmate that truly vibes with me (which i already have) and maintain a healthy relationship! coz even if i just had a little bit of self respect, i wouldn’t have fallen in love with (and gotten played by) somebody so toxic! this is my moment of completely breaking the karmic cycle and declare to the universe that I DO DESERVE MY HEART’S DESIRES! I DO DESERVE THE BEST FOR MYSELF! I DO DESERVE MY DREAM PARTNER — MY REAL SOULMATE! and guys and gals, y’all do too! always, always ALWAYS remember that! and remember to love yourselves first!!! it is super important!!!