why do we feel hurt in a relationship

because we expect them to behave EXACTLY according to an exaggerated version of our own moral standard — a moral standard perfection that we can’t even conform to ourselves.

we subconsciously expect that person to behave perfectly, while completely ignore the fact that everyone has been through different experiences in life, and moral/ethical standards differ greatly from person to person. of course everyone strives to be perfect, but their understanding and perceived concept of ‘perfection’ differs greatly from your own.

have you ever thought about it? your own moral standard is so different from another person’s that you can’t even meet all of their expectations. while you’re feeling ‘hurt’ by that person, they’re probably disappointed by you at the same time.

i’m just gonna use some of my own experiences to help illustrate this: when i first graduated from university (having tens of thousands of debts and stressing out about whether to get a job or to do further studies) i suffered from depression and really low self-esteem (as that’s what university does to people). as a result, i settled for less. i lived with an abusive father (without even realizing it or even attempt to try to change the situation. i had too much sympathy for him) and i fell in love with someone i randomly met on the internet.

i expected that person to be perfect, and even when they’re not perfect, my brain tried to paint a perfect picture of them. it was so unhealthy. here’s my expectation vs reality:
Expectation: they never lie and is always 100% honest with me.
Reality: that person is actually a compulsive liar. couldn’t survive 2 minutes without lying to me.

Expectation: they loves me back as much as emotionally and romantically attached to me as i was to them.
Reality: they were just playing with me. they only wanted hot pictures from me. they never loved me a single minute. they’re perfectly emotionally detached from me (i know it’s sad, don’t judge me).

Expectation: they’re mature and courageous and as perfect as they appear to be on social media as in real life.
Reality: a total coward with criminal charges against them for being a pedophile. almost 50, wasn’t even working (they had loads of ‘good reasons’, i mean excuses, to ‘perfectly’ explain why they wouldn’t go out there and make money) lived at their parents’ house and was a mommy’s boy. couldn’t even stand up for me when haters were cyber-bullying me, lol..

what’s worse was that on top of all that, they had someone behind my back that they been dating in real life since 10 years ago. as soon as i found out, i asked them who that was and what was going on, they immediately dumped more lies on me such as — ‘that person is just a friend‘ (we’ve all heard that before)!!! they also told me that they didn’t love that person and that they weren’t sexually attracted to them at all (judging from the appearance of that person, i kinda believed that, it is a fact that i’m way hotter, lol). but yeah lots have happened after that. lots of lies, anxiety, hurt, betrayal, manipulation etc.. when i finally found solid evidence of them actually in a stable relationship, all those emotions resurfaced in the most intense form. i was so suffocated by those strong emotions that i physically couldn’t talk to them anymore. and because i hate lies so much, within just 3 days i fell out of love (i’ve known this person for my good beautiful and youthful, i.e. my best 7 years). i never thought i’d ever fall out of love or be completely emotionally detached from them, but as simple as that, something clicked within me, and *POOF*, i fell out of love.

i guess that was the moment i realized my brain was painting a perfect picture of the person and that they were never the perfect person i thought i was in love with. and as soon as i fell out of love, all the hurt, pain, feelings of betrayal and resentment against the person they dated behind my back for 7 years were all released and, *POOF*, gone as well. then i realized i felt hurt because i held onto my super high expectations for them. i don’t wanna sound like i am showing sympathy or understanding towards them at this moment, but i do feel the need to state this as emotionlessly objectively as possible — maybe, just maybe, my super high expectations for them caused them to feel suffocated and pain as well. then again, who cares! i didn’t cheat with another person. i’m an extremely loyal lover.

you see, it’s hard to let go of your expectations on others. it’s rare that you can find someone that meets your perfect expectations. my suggestion is that before you decide to spend your whole life with them, check with them on some vital points and see if you’re on the same page for the relationship. here’s a checklist:

do they want a long term relationship at all? or do they just want a friend with benefits?

do they want kids? if so, how many? what gender (coz in some gender racist ethnic communities/countries, they only want dude kids, so be careful of that! if you’re from my democratic country and that you want girls, this person and their parents will RECK YOUR LIFE! if you don’t get an abortion, they’d tell you to keep giving birth until a boy is born! fxck dat shet!!!).

are they currently in a relationship with another person? i know this is a question that’s kinda too straightforward and awkward at the same time to ask them, but ask them anyway. coz it benefitted me. i asked! and after i broke up with them i was able to tell them ‘hey, i wasn’t the home-wrecker! i checked with you BEFORE i realized that you were in a long term relationship with that person behind me this whole time!’ sorry, that’s a bit negative.. i mean, even though there’s a good chance that you’ll get hurt, it’s still a healthy thing to do in a relationship to trust the person that you’re in love with.

do they support your dreams and goals or do they just keep telling you that you’re not good enough and try everything to bring you down to their level simply because they’re jealous that you’re progressing further in life and that you’re achieving more than them? some manipulative ones are smarter with it — they pretend to verbally ‘support’ you, but they lowkey tryna sabotage your career — they would criticize your work and tell you they do that because they care about what you do (nope, they just wanna lower your confidence in what you do). they would also give advice that never work. and when you’re tryna fulfill one dream, they suggest you to start another — just do distract you from your original goal so that you never reach any of them.

do they respect your parents? if they shet-talk about your parents 258, they don’t love you. they’re very self centered and they do NOT want to have a long term relationship with you.

are they willing to accept your diet? you know, this is a weird one on the checklist but it is necessary to ask them! i’m vegan and i’ve lost track of how many times they’ve either teased me or criticized me for my ‘not scientifically proven’ diet!

do they respect your political opinions and religious/spiritual pursuits? this one is very important. even if you have your political, religious or spiritual differences, you can still have a super sweet relationship together, if they are willing to accept and love you for who you are. however, if you’re with a person whom you can’t even be yourself with, then you’re dimming your light to fit in, you’re in self-denial, and that’s self-destruction. you’re losing your integrity! and that relationship won’t even last! simply because that person doesn’t love you!

in conclusion, to avoid feeling hurt by someone, simply release the hardcore perfection expectations made up by your logical mind. and unmask the fake fact that they’re perfect. let’s face it, unless they’re me, they’re not perfect (just kidding, or am i, lol.. sorry i have an ego the size of Jupiter, lol).. we never know what they’ve been through and what their version of ‘perfection’ is. everyone has different moral standards and aspirations in life, therefore the best thing to do to avoid feeling hurt is to check with them (refer back to my pre-relationship checklist) BEFORE dipping too deep into the process of developing a long term relationship.

maybe, just maybe, they never tried to hurt you on purpose. maybe the ‘pain’ is the Universe tryna teach us a lesson about control. i know we panic when we lose control, but maybe grabbing onto false beliefs in someone and judge them too harshly is what hurt us. and lastly and also most importantly, love yourself (i dunno why but that seems to be the solution to all my problems, so the self-help gurus might be onto something after all, lol)!

Published by Dan Scorpio

a really hot Motivational Speaker's secret blogging account

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